By Velda Thomas
“Are you speaking of me? I am not an actress,” I said after a performance. Actress sounds so LA, so Hollywood, so not me.
I was the child who cringed in school if I was chosen to read aloud in class. Safety in numbers was my rule, a friend or more felt safer. I could disappear then, no one would see me or notice me. “Blending in is best,” I told myself. I grew into adulthood as an artist, a teacher, a manager, a parent, a capable person in the world. But, was the truth of my essence being seen and heard? No, I could not allow it to be so.
When I first saw the Poetic Justice Theatre Ensemble perform my mouth dropped. I was really moved and the courageous work around the subtle effects of racism struck a chord so deep within me.
I processed my experience of seeing them perform for weeks. Audience members shared their stories and were met with acceptance and no outward judgment from the performers. All stories were relevant to the process. I recognized Theater of the Oppressed and Playback Theater as impactful tools to work with social justice issues and ultimately bring healing to individuals, groups and communities. But, I did not see myself participating ever, even as a spect-actor or teller. Performing and being seen brought up and out one of my best friends, FEAR.
I thought “How did they do that? What improvisation! That is so scary.” But the cops in my head, my inner voices told me “Never do that,” and ” Don’t trust your instinct.”
However, less than a year later there I was working my vulnerability at a Playback workshop led by Zhaleh Almaee. I was so afraid I felt myself shrink. I became so small I could not squeak, let alone speak.
My personal inner stories around being seen and heard, judged for expressing my truth were playing out. I had no control over my fear. One of my spiritual teachers refers to F.E.A.R as false evidence appearing real.
That day in class with Zhaleh I found that my fear was visceral until I acknowledged it and stepped into the very action that frightened me most, acting. My ideas about what could or should happen almost crippled me. My thoughts were about how I could make mistakes and everyone would see, that I could even look really stupid. Then I took just one small step forward. Once I began to allow acting to take shape in me I was engaged in the process of exploration and creation. I felt powerful and real, that was a surprise to me.
When I met my personal edge of discomfort, I felt that there was something within the experience worth exploring for the purpose of my self-development.
So, I decided to try out for the troupe in the fall of 2012. Once I became part of the ensemble, there were many occasions to practice feeling my fear and allowing it to edge me forward. During warmups, I felt very self-conscious and uncomfortable playing games. When offering a story for Playback check-in I thought, “Oh then they will play it back to me and I don’t know if I want to see myself reflected.” While speaking my strong opinions, I worried about being judged and accepted. While standing with my own truth in silence I wondered, “Can I sit with my own discomfort and feel it?” The answer is, “Yes I can. And I want to grow in this way.”
In the troupe I have tried on different characters, even ones that are undesirable to my being, but that I gave permission to have a place to express. I have even found ones I did not know were a part of my being. I began checking in with my body, moving the feelings inwardly or physically to locate the fear and make friends with it for a moment. This gave me a tool and courage to enter into fear.
I learned that my body has a store of experiences it loves to express, and if I can listen to others with more than my ears it is possible for me to experience TRUST in myself. I can trust my bodily instinct and allow words and motions to tumble out without judging myself.
I sometimes refer to troupe members as my REAL family. I am grateful to be a part of this group as it feels like I can share my whole self. I am met with kindness, respect and space for me to be who I need to be, which at times means being joyfully engaged and sometimes means sitting in the corner crying.
This safe vessel has made it possible for me to be vulnerable and expose some of the deep social issues working through and affecting me. Venturing to educate myself on a deeper level about issues impacting the world like poverty, gender bias, sexism and racism. I am learning to look at areas openly. I love that troupe makes the process of the work very alive for each individual. We all bring our own unique perspectives to the work at hand. At the public performances when I see tears in the audience and hear thank you afterwards, I can affirm that this is the kind of actress I want to be in the world.
I am an improvisation in process and I can choose to say YES more often to meeting my edges. Now when I feel that twinge in my belly that says “No, don’t do it,” I can recognize that I am trusting a fear that will bring me closer to being more who I want to be in the world.
Thank you, Poetic Justice Theater Ensemble.
Velda Thomas grew up in the UK. She is a sound healer, doula, nature lover and spiritual explorer with a passion for the arts in action. veldathomas.com